The following piece of information was salvaged during a large raid on a class 3 Seraphim colony at an undisclosed location, on an undisclosed planet (definitely not the Martyr Peninsula on Zeta Canis). The information seems to date from before the Invasion. It was found in something resembling an archive for studies on the human race and proved to be instrumental in the difficult process of translating the alien Seraphim language. It also proved the Seraphim to be a bunch of idiots.
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A Treatise on the Mating Habits of the Armored Command Unit
By Ul-Wonuov, Novice Enlightener of the Research Board
Introduction
Mysteries are a beautiful thing. They make us strive for better understanding of the wonderful world around us. The thrill of the unravelling of mysteries, however, is as of yet unsurpassed in its glory.
This has been my motivation for joining the renowned Research Board and it has become my goal in life to further the understanding of the Quantum Realm and beyond.
During my years as a researcher I have specialized in the studying of alien life and have proven to be quite talented in the analysis and subsequent furthering of, among others, the Klakruuk (now extinct, which was not my fault) and the Iq’cru?!Tsa (now extinct).
Yet one species has formed a great enigma for me and my peers, puzzling generations of scientists: Humans. A rather primitive race of beings that refer to themselves as ‘Aeceeyu’.
Many theories exist about the nature of these intriguing critters, that were created almost immediately after our first encounter with them, which ended rather messily. These theories can roughly be separated in two opposing sides. On one side we have the so-called “Aggressor”-theorists. They believe our first colony in the Heavy Realm was attacked and destroyed in a rage of mindless xenophobia. I find this opinion quite distasteful, as it suggests Aeceeyus are inclined to war and consider the ideal of the Way naïve. It is also way too easy for ordinary people to figure out.
On the other, more sensible, hand we have the “Ah, Crap”-theorists. This admittedly complex theory explains that our predecessors and the friendly Aeceeyus were having a dinner party to celebrate the spreading of the Way. Suddenly a large cataclysmic chain reaction occurred, which involved a barbecue, cheap perfume and a Tech 3 Power Generator. This disaster resulted in the destruction of our colony, the loss of many lives and a burnt burger.
I prefer this theory because of my adoration for hamburgers and it nicely supports my own research.
Now, after years of observation through tiny rifts in quantum space, it is with great pride that I present to you my latest and greatest discovery: the mating habits of the Aeceeyus!
What we already know
At the time of writing, not much is known about this fascinating race. Even the name is a subject of debate. A small but influential group of scientists insist the name ‘Aeceeyu’ should in fact be read as ‘ACU’, which is supposed to be an abbreviation for ‘Armored Command Unit’. While this view is mainly based on assumption, it does sound rather catchy.
Though the true name of these creatures is currently still being discussed by many scholars, the appearance of the humans, however, has been thoroughly documented by the learned men who preceded me.
An idle human of the UEF tribe
The first of the human tribes, the so-called UEF, are large seraphimoid beasts that stand about 40 metres tall and have a thick blue metallic skin that protects them from injury. This valuable natural defence ironically proves to be their largest vulnerability, as UEF ACUs (a catchy name, indeed) tend to ignore imminent danger while obsessively pointing at rocks.
An idle human of the Cybran tribe
An alternate form of humans is the Cybran tribe. These humans, while also of huge size, are incredibly shy and rarely seen out in the open. When alerted, these Cybrans tend to run away and hide in water until the threat has focused its attention on something else. The suspicion that this tribe is in bad standing among the other tribes is reinforced by the defensive spikes that protrude from their bodies.
A censored picture of an idle human of the Aeon tribe
Finally, the Aeon tribe. A remarkable tribe, since they are quite arrogant, even though they have a relatively thin skin and are less bulky than their neighbours. Nonetheless, they seem to have carved out a nice slice of territory.
While I would love to add pictures of the Aeon tribe, the Commission of Mental Wellbeing has forbidden their publication. The round shapes of these curvy humans have been rated ‘Incredibly Scary’ for readers under the age of 238 and the Commission made it clear they would hate to see me sued. By them. For lots of cash. Bless their kindness.
A censored picture of two Aeon humans flirting with each other
While the difference in appearance might lead some to believe they are different species altogether, there is enough evidence to suggest otherwise. First, all three tribes share the tendency to walk to a certain location when in fact they intended to build what appear to be shrines to an unknown deity. These shrines are quite remarkable in that they carry obscure names like ‘land factory’ or the rarely seen ‘energy storage’.
The three tribes also share the unique ability to teleport to far away planets. This talent has yet to be fully understood, but the consumption of rainforests seems to be strongly connected to this phenomenon. There is compelling evidence to suggest that these Armored Command Units are herbivores, although records exist of rock-eating specimens. Silly beasties.
Third, and this is the kicker, they regularly go out and make babies, thus proving that they belong to the same species. During the act of procreation various rituals are performed, which are truly fascinating to behold. The most important ritual is what I like to call ‘The ACU Dance’.
The ACU Dance
Young Aeceeyus are a rather overconfident bunch. If they teleport to a planet where an Aeceeyu from another tribe is present, they merely build some shrines and proceed to send what I believe to be gifts to the other human. These gifts appear to originate from the shrines and are able to move independently. The mysterious and overly complex nature of these gifts is one of the things that make these humans such a challenge to the minds of science, as it simply does not make any sense. Gifts alone, however, rarely convince other Armored Command Units to give birth.
When humans become older, they start to learn the basics of the Dance, mostly by watching the eldest members of the tribe. A Dance occurs when two Aeceeyus meet. Once they are in visual range of each other, they proceed to flirt.
Flirting is done by throwing high concentrations of energy towards the chosen member of the other tribe. The other human then tries to avoid the flirt while trying to impress the other human by following an often incredibly complicated pattern. This goes on for about two or three minutes until one ACU surrenders and promptly gives birth to an enormous cloud of cute little babies that strongly resembles a thermonuclear explosion.
Figure 1
In the above figure we can observe the ACU Dance of a younger human. As you might have noted, this particular critter has yet to refine his dancing skills. He starts at point 1A to walk calmly to 1B. Once at 1B, the adolescent is well within the range of the other human and becomes immobile. This, however, does not do much to prevent the flirts from making contact with him. Shortly after, the ACU realises this course of action will yield no results and then retreats to point 1C. During this retreat, most young humans decide to procreate in spectacular fashion.
Figure 2
Once humans master the Dance, they are considered to have reached adulthood and this specimen is a marvellous example. Words simply can not describe the phenomenally intricate pattern that is displayed here. Other Aeceeyus are also easily impressed by displays of such skill and often yield very quickly to the advances of this groovy dancer. It should be noted that mature humans often bring along gifts to become even more seductive.
Figure 3
Careful examination of this particular pattern has led me to deduce that this particular human is an idiot.
Recommendation to the High Council for the Spreading of the Way
In our continuous pursuit of spreading the Way, our glorious people have brought enlightenment to many races and I believe humans should not be an exception.
In order to get the attention of these rather simpleminded creatures, a prudent plan would be to mimic their customs and rituals to impress them. If we prove our worth by making many, many babies, they will surely be willing to embrace the valuable lessons of the Way. I have already sent plans to disguise as humans, along with schematics for upgrades that will make the Dance a cakewalk. I sincerely hope that, after a few months of intensive procreation, we will live together in peace and harmony.
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this is honestly the most epically funny thing i've read!
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