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Q.Star.111
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 Posted: 06 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 03 Nov, 2008
Posts: 704
Location: The edge. Of Sydney that is. But the question is, which one?
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A very interesting chapter. I wonder what the consequences will be of the finding out.
Anyway, I feel like nitpicking, so here goes:
Quote: His heart rate had tripled, were he to still have a beating heart. Needs a would have instead of had. Quote: “Don’t take anyone of those UEF pilots out, whatever you want to do else.” This sentence doesn't quite make sense. Try rephrasing. Quote: “Now please tell me how we’re going to find out what that fourth guy us up to, if he is already here.” Again, try rephrasing. Quote: “Why, are we so much with our backs to the wall?” Again, expression problems. Quote: “Damn, you never tell me anything. How is the enemy supposed to know what you’re up to if you don’t even inform your enemies?”
The last "enemies" should be allies.
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My fanfic Brothers In Arms. clicky
If more people read it, I will update it.
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splattedone
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Posted: 06 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 07 Oct, 2008
Posts: 4710
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio, USA, North America, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy
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Why are fanfiction authors so fond of cliffhangers? That was excellent, and I can't wait for more.
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ShamusZ3R0 wrote: £5 says Splatted could beat you in 5 minutes. :p
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patton5219
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Posted: 06 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 02 Apr, 2007
Posts: 1041
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Plasma_Wolf wrote: Chapter 3 is up. I really have to put a limit to my chapters, if it comes down to the number of words... I dislike two hours of proofreading.  Anyway, enjoy it  BTW, is there a limit to the number of characters you can put in a single post? i just got caught up on this. nice cliffhangar and interactions between old friends. plan B is amazing sometimes isn't it?
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johnmyates
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Posted: 06 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 04 Jun, 2007
Posts: 1111
Location: N 29° 24' 53.04" W 90° 17' 50.74"
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Good chapter. It'll be interesting to see how this battle concludes. I have a suspicion that Leython is about to pull a UEF rabbit out of his hat.
Marc
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In the night, when the wind dies and silence rules, I remember. And they all live again.
 
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Plasma_Wolf
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Posted: 07 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 08 Sep, 2007
Posts: 6497
Location: In an RTD!!!
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Thanks, feel free to nitpick! 
I've fixed everything, are these expressions correct?
Q.Star.111 wrote: Quote: “Don’t take anyone of those UEF pilots out, whatever you want to do else.” This sentence doesn't quite make sense. Try rephrasing. Turned into: “Don’t kill any of those UEF pilots," Q.Star.111 wrote: Quote: “Now please tell me how we’re going to find out what that fourth guy us up to, if he is already here.” Again, try rephrasing. that would become ' is up to' Q.Star.111 wrote: Quote: “Why, are we so much with our backs to the wall?” Again, expression problems. I've taken the 'so much' out of it. The correct expression is "with your back to the wall" isn't it? Or is it "with your back at the wall"?
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Plasma_Wolf
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Posted: 07 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 08 Sep, 2007
Posts: 6497
Location: In an RTD!!!
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splattedone wrote: Why are fanfiction authors so fond of cliffhangers? That was excellent, and I can't wait for more.
For you, I found this!
Of course, you may use the one coming from dotswarlock's threads as well, but I found this on a graphic design website. It's nice to know that the GPG forumgoers are not the only impatient people.
EDIT: It fails! It fails!
EDIT2: I should use the [img] instead of the [i] 
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Thule
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Posted: 07 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 23 Aug, 2009
Posts: 258
Location: Check your ceiling. I may or may not be there.
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Plasma_Wolf
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Posted: 14 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 08 Sep, 2007
Posts: 6497
Location: In an RTD!!!
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So, when I tried to add chapter 4 to chapter 3, I hit the character limit. On another forum, which is based on the same protocol/language/whatever as this one, I read that a post can have 60.000 characters as a maximum. I got about 66.000, so now I had to use a new post 
Ah well, the longer the chapters are, the better it is for you you guys 
Chapter 4 is up, not as long as chapter 3, sorry
PS: Q.Star.111, prepare to nitpick again
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liku
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Posted: 14 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 10 Apr, 2007
Posts: 358
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I just stumbled on Dragonian Story.... youn dont know how lucky i am to have missed them, it's like discovering Dot's book 1 right now.... but what?
Off course...soon... i will be at the last chapter... and then.. you know what i mean....
The longer i could resist to chapter 4...the better
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Dot's your the best!
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Q.Star.111
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Posted: 14 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 03 Nov, 2008
Posts: 704
Location: The edge. Of Sydney that is. But the question is, which one?
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In before the update
The only errors I found were:
Quote: Suddenly, Leyton was hailed from Earth. The message was unencrypted. It could just as well be a public announcement from the UEF president, but he already knew that it was his best servant who was trying to hail him. Quote: After a minute, while Leyton’s army, comprising of Loyalists and Trebuchet mobile artillery, grew at every moment, Leython spoke again
I think you see the problem. And try and correct this error in other chapters as well.
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My fanfic Brothers In Arms. clicky
If more people read it, I will update it.
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johnmyates
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Posted: 14 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 04 Jun, 2007
Posts: 1111
Location: N 29° 24' 53.04" W 90° 17' 50.74"
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Good job. Wonder what Clarke's reply will be. Or maybe he just got it. 
Marc
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In the night, when the wind dies and silence rules, I remember. And they all live again.
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splattedone
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Posted: 14 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 07 Oct, 2008
Posts: 4710
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio, USA, North America, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy
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I'd forgotten about that Aeon commander.... I like how this story is shaping up. You get better all the time.
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ShamusZ3R0 wrote: £5 says Splatted could beat you in 5 minutes. :p
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liku
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Posted: 15 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 10 Apr, 2007
Posts: 358
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yeah....yeah...he got better.... and i got owned....
really nice chatper..... not start the "one week long await torment"
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Dot's your the best!
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Plasma_Wolf
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Posted: 15 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 08 Sep, 2007
Posts: 6497
Location: In an RTD!!!
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I fixed the typos, thanks.
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Thule
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Posted: 15 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 23 Aug, 2009
Posts: 258
Location: Check your ceiling. I may or may not be there.
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Plasma_Wolf
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Posted: 15 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 08 Sep, 2007
Posts: 6497
Location: In an RTD!!!
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I said 'other fanfic', not ask what to do if you have already done so.
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Thule
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Posted: 15 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 23 Aug, 2009
Posts: 258
Location: Check your ceiling. I may or may not be there.
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Plasma_Wolf
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Posted: 21 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 08 Sep, 2007
Posts: 6497
Location: In an RTD!!!
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Chapter 5 is up. Enjoy!
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splattedone
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Posted: 21 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 07 Oct, 2008
Posts: 4710
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio, USA, North America, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy
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Plasma_Wolf wrote: Chapter 5 is up. Enjoy! Oh I will. I will...
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ShamusZ3R0 wrote: £5 says Splatted could beat you in 5 minutes. :p
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johnmyates
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Posted: 21 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 04 Jun, 2007
Posts: 1111
Location: N 29° 24' 53.04" W 90° 17' 50.74"
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Nice chapter. It appears that this is going to be like running into an ex-wife, lol.
Grammar Nazi time:
Quote: Dostya and The Tip of The Spear did their outmost best to stop the constant stream of UEF tanks, assault bots and air units.
utmost, and you can take out "best"
Keep up the good work,
Marc
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In the night, when the wind dies and silence rules, I remember. And they all live again.
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Thule
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Posted: 21 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 23 Aug, 2009
Posts: 258
Location: Check your ceiling. I may or may not be there.
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Plasma_Wolf
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Posted: 21 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 08 Sep, 2007
Posts: 6497
Location: In an RTD!!!
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johnmyates wrote: Nice chapter. It appears that this is going to be like running into an ex-wife, lol. Grammar Nazi time: Quote: Dostya and The Tip of The Spear did their outmost best to stop the constant stream of UEF tanks, assault bots and air units. utmost, and you can take out "best" Keep up the good work, Marc ex-wife? 
Anyway, can I take out 'best', or do I have to?
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Thule
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Posted: 21 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 23 Aug, 2009
Posts: 258
Location: Check your ceiling. I may or may not be there.
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Plasma_Wolf wrote: Anyway, can I take out 'best', or do I have to?
Best comes from good. Good, better, then best. The -er suffix on better means it was 'more than the things mentioned before'. In this case more good.
The suffix -est says it is the 'most'. It is unbeatable. In this context it means the UEF commander put in all of his skills.
The utmost means the same as best: He tried to the utmost of his abilities
He tried to the best of his abilities
They mean the same thing, so one of them is redundant. It still works with utmost and best next to each other, but it doesn't sound 'right', if you know what I mean.
Take your pick .
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Preparations - Book Two in the Fresh Start Trilogy
Link to info for SupCom2
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Plasma_Wolf
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Posted: 21 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 08 Sep, 2007
Posts: 6497
Location: In an RTD!!!
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Thanks for the help. It does sound 'right' to me, but that's because I'm thinking of speech and poetry when I write this fanfiction. It's tautological, now I remember the term and I quite like to use such things. Of course, in normal documents it is of course bad to write down, but in fiction or literature, it wouldn't be, would it?
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johnmyates
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Posted: 21 Nov, 2009
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Joined: 04 Jun, 2007
Posts: 1111
Location: N 29° 24' 53.04" W 90° 17' 50.74"
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Plasma_Wolf wrote: ex-wife? Perhaps I should elaborate. They are in conflict. They know each other well from past interaction. The situation can deteriorate rapidly and get VERY ugly when two individuals who know each other well start fighting.
The story just has that "feel" to it.
And yes, I have a couple of them.
Marc
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In the night, when the wind dies and silence rules, I remember. And they all live again.
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